I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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