I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and she was petting her beer can
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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