I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
