what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
