Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
