$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
