Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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