just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
