My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I could make wine with my vomit
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
