Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love having hate sex.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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