That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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