I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
