Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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