I just pynch a tree in the face
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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