1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
my being single is dangerous.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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