I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize