CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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