just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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