Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
