it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
