My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
