either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
