i just sent this text using only my big toe
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I fill condoms, not promises.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
