Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
