Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
