I accidentally had phone sex last night
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
