the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
