My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just invented taco cereal.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just pee around me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
