i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
