Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
