So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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