So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
