ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
