Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize