so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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