who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
