Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
