my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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