five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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