In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I am one with the molecules
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
