Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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