Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
