I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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