Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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