So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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