gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
