tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i drank out of a bidet.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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