Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
