I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
