i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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