pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
found the other keg... it's in the tree
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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