Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
