we have officially lost it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
