The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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