it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize