i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
