FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
